Interest in natural cosmetics

As my excitement about the Oriflame products fades away I'm becoming more and more interested in formulating and making my own cosmetics. I have been browsing Aromantic (contact me by email if you want a £5 off voucher) and pondering ordering one of their sets, but last night I found Plushfolly, and ordered a learning pack from them. I'm mostly interested in creating moisturizing creams and cleansers, so I decided to take the Making Natural Skincare Products accredited home study course. I can't wait to receive my ingredients!

This stupid annoying boring senseless stress

Again I'm really stressed about my studies, namely the imminent exam of discrete structures on Friday. And the whole day I've been getting reminders about how many other things are important as well, and what it means to live life of no enjoyment until you die.

First I heard that someone I used to kind of know has a serious illness that will probably lead to death within a few years. That made me want to cry; he was someone I used to fancy and even though we never got to know each other I respect him a lot for some reason. To hear that he needs two people to help him on a daily basis was horrible. And he's just a bit older than I am.

The second thing was attending the birthday party of a 1 year old with many kids. It made me realize again how deeply I would like to have kids and how little I feel like I would be a good mom or be able to take care of them. Time is going away fast, and I'm thirty already. So the time would be now, or within a few years. What do I need to do in order to be someone who can take care of someone else as well? Who do I need to be with?

And all the while I'm here, stressing about some exam that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Unable to live otherwise, to take time to just relax and focus on what I can do.

reading "How I raised myself from failure to success in selling"

This morning I woke up thinking I'd work on the discrete structures course but after a short email from the lecturer it seems that I will have to take the main exam anyway since I missed an exercise group last week. That left me seriously demotivated, and after studying just a while longer I let myself start to read a book I got in the mail, "How I raised myself from failure to success in selling".

I've read the first 26 pages and I remember something about myself more clearly : I'm afraid to talk to anyone I perceive as more powerful than myself (pretty much anyone). I become worried about projecting a certain image, which just means that I feel unhappy and nervous.

A while, a year or so, ago I met a salesman on a plane. He was a bit drunk, and offered to consider me for a position in his company if I just show up for the interview. I was still thinking of selling as pushing things people don't need so even though the product would have been very interesting I never did anything. Now I remember how I became nervous in his company. What does it matter now what that person thought of me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would get far better results by just being who I am (who is that? is there such a thing?). Or maybe I just need to accept the nervousness and all the weight I give to some situations.

But that is something that seriously hinders my life: the way I connect everything with who and how I am - I want to learn to just relax and go with the flow. Last night I talked a long time with a friend and I ended up mentioning that I can never trust myself to get things done. I guess she had no idea I felt that way. But we agreed that the best would be to just do study related things in a routine manner, and to spend as little energy as possible worrying about the outcome. I also want to try many things, I want to try selling, I want to try sharing my thoughts, everything. I'm longing for life here.

Last night I spent thinking about affiliate marketing and party marketing. I ended up sending a not nearly polished enough application for a company that sells toys, to become a representative in my area. I'm expecting no reply, but it would have been a great opportunity to test myself and learn new things!

Oriflame party last night

Yesterday was a busy day for me as I prepared to host an Oriflame party. Although I will probably be the one doing the ordering if and when people decide to buy something. I had 4 guests who didn't know each other beforehand.

I made pizza (a delicious recipe from Pirkka) and a berry pie. I felt really unsure about baking but they came out alright, not in any way perfect but passable.

I felt very weak for the day but it passed, and I had fun. We tried fake lashes and got to know the products. The Oriflame representative made a good presentation about the products: I admire the way she was neutral but still focused on what people could buy.

I'm thinking about whether I could organize parties myself. I could borrow the kit from my group leader and go for it.

Letting go of Pepsi max

I'm someone who rarely becomes addicted to things, but something I'm addicted to is diet coke, pepsi max, almost any diet cola. I have been addicted since I was 16, and I remember still how in high school I used to drink so much I felt shaky. At the time it took maybe a 1,5l bottle to get that effect, nowadays I could drink a lot more without change.

So, lately I've been drinking something like 2l a day, often during the night after going to the university. Obviously sleeping, staying awake and getting up have been difficult. And a while ago I read somewhere that the artificial sweeteners in diet colas cause insulin secretion - that means that even though they might not contain any calories they will still make you fatter.

Now I'm testing being without diet colas: I'm on my 5th day. On Friday I went for a face massage at a new-agey place where they also sold "Holy basil" tea, also known as Tulsi tea. As I was waiting for my appointment I read their marketing materials and they really worked.  Buying something is again related to how I see myself: when I bought the tea I had a vivid idea of myself as someone thinner and more balanced who doesn't drink Pepsi anymore, at least not regularly.

Today I weighed myself (86,3kg) - I will see in a couple of weeks if there is any change.