Again I'm really stressed about my studies, namely the imminent exam of discrete structures on Friday. And the whole day I've been getting reminders about how many other things are important as well, and what it means to live life of no enjoyment until you die.
First I heard that someone I used to kind of know has a serious illness that will probably lead to death within a few years. That made me want to cry; he was someone I used to fancy and even though we never got to know each other I respect him a lot for some reason. To hear that he needs two people to help him on a daily basis was horrible. And he's just a bit older than I am.
The second thing was attending the birthday party of a 1 year old with many kids. It made me realize again how deeply I would like to have kids and how little I feel like I would be a good mom or be able to take care of them. Time is going away fast, and I'm thirty already. So the time would be now, or within a few years. What do I need to do in order to be someone who can take care of someone else as well? Who do I need to be with?
And all the while I'm here, stressing about some exam that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Unable to live otherwise, to take time to just relax and focus on what I can do.
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