Last night I tried to, well, approached someone who is in some way (hard to know exactly) interesting to me. They didn't reply anything and I felt somewhat anxious and depressed about it. I will meet the person at some point - I feel a bit insecure about how I can be casual and "normal" even though I feel like his disinterest has been expressed now.
All of this calls for a bigger frame of reference. This is where I am in life. I'm "still" struggling with these issues, about how to approach people and not feel embarrassed by my interest. For me it's a long stretch to even imagine someone could be interested in me, even more so to actually do something to approach anyone. In that sense I just need to congratulate myself on taking the risk, for sacrificing the (in itself "working") fantasy to the not yet working, but possibly meaningful connection. (Peter Block has written that sometimes we have to sacrifice what works for what has meaning.)
Growth happens in spurts, at least for me, and it progresses like a spiral: again and again you meet the same issues but on a different level. I'm looking for deep connections with people, but don't yet know how to go about establishing those. I need to give myself time to learn, to experiment and make mistakes. Mistakes mean that I'm learning. (And I consider last night's "try" a mistake since the message I sent was stupid. But who cares, if he would be interested he would probably have replied no matter what I wrote. At least I know now that I can move on, even though rejection, even on such a small scale, might feel like the end of the world. Maybe it's an indication of how deeply in love I am with my fantasies.)
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