Recently I got two books, Fruitflesh and Pen on fire. Both are for women who want to write. I am someone who is like the writer of Fruitflesh describes: someone who lives only in the world of ideals, without a deep sense of the body. Reading the book last night made me scared. What if there is nothing I can express, or what if there is a lot I need to express but just don't know how yet? (I will always have something to fear.)
I don't consider myself someone who wants to write fiction, but for some reason I have a dream of writing. The most grandiose, ridiculous, annoying dream. I rarely write anything other than my diary, and that is mostly questions I come up with. Sometimes generalized statements about why I am anxious and what is wrong.
The whole idea of something being wrong and needing to be fixed is very different from my vision of how I would like to think, and what I see as effective. It's just something I've grown up with and feel safe with, and thus very difficult to let go of. I actually go looking for anxiety, I think. When I don't feel anxious I don't feel safe. As if thinking could save me from making mistakes. It can't, and a life without so-called mistakes would be a life without learning.
Peter Block has written about how we need to let go of the need for safety, and just strive to live a life of meaning (in the answer to how is yes). In Flawless Consulting he writes about the perspective I would very much like to live with: our need to focus on our strengths and change things with them in mind.
What is meaningful now? Right now it is very difficult to relax. I have my ways of passing the time without actually ever taking the decision to not work, not study. Playing dominion usually, often just reading things from the internet without a plan or a specific focus. Makes me think I am afraid of decisions.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti