Interest in natural cosmetics

As my excitement about the Oriflame products fades away I'm becoming more and more interested in formulating and making my own cosmetics. I have been browsing Aromantic (contact me by email if you want a £5 off voucher) and pondering ordering one of their sets, but last night I found Plushfolly, and ordered a learning pack from them. I'm mostly interested in creating moisturizing creams and cleansers, so I decided to take the Making Natural Skincare Products accredited home study course. I can't wait to receive my ingredients!

This stupid annoying boring senseless stress

Again I'm really stressed about my studies, namely the imminent exam of discrete structures on Friday. And the whole day I've been getting reminders about how many other things are important as well, and what it means to live life of no enjoyment until you die.

First I heard that someone I used to kind of know has a serious illness that will probably lead to death within a few years. That made me want to cry; he was someone I used to fancy and even though we never got to know each other I respect him a lot for some reason. To hear that he needs two people to help him on a daily basis was horrible. And he's just a bit older than I am.

The second thing was attending the birthday party of a 1 year old with many kids. It made me realize again how deeply I would like to have kids and how little I feel like I would be a good mom or be able to take care of them. Time is going away fast, and I'm thirty already. So the time would be now, or within a few years. What do I need to do in order to be someone who can take care of someone else as well? Who do I need to be with?

And all the while I'm here, stressing about some exam that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Unable to live otherwise, to take time to just relax and focus on what I can do.

reading "How I raised myself from failure to success in selling"

This morning I woke up thinking I'd work on the discrete structures course but after a short email from the lecturer it seems that I will have to take the main exam anyway since I missed an exercise group last week. That left me seriously demotivated, and after studying just a while longer I let myself start to read a book I got in the mail, "How I raised myself from failure to success in selling".

I've read the first 26 pages and I remember something about myself more clearly : I'm afraid to talk to anyone I perceive as more powerful than myself (pretty much anyone). I become worried about projecting a certain image, which just means that I feel unhappy and nervous.

A while, a year or so, ago I met a salesman on a plane. He was a bit drunk, and offered to consider me for a position in his company if I just show up for the interview. I was still thinking of selling as pushing things people don't need so even though the product would have been very interesting I never did anything. Now I remember how I became nervous in his company. What does it matter now what that person thought of me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would get far better results by just being who I am (who is that? is there such a thing?). Or maybe I just need to accept the nervousness and all the weight I give to some situations.

But that is something that seriously hinders my life: the way I connect everything with who and how I am - I want to learn to just relax and go with the flow. Last night I talked a long time with a friend and I ended up mentioning that I can never trust myself to get things done. I guess she had no idea I felt that way. But we agreed that the best would be to just do study related things in a routine manner, and to spend as little energy as possible worrying about the outcome. I also want to try many things, I want to try selling, I want to try sharing my thoughts, everything. I'm longing for life here.

Last night I spent thinking about affiliate marketing and party marketing. I ended up sending a not nearly polished enough application for a company that sells toys, to become a representative in my area. I'm expecting no reply, but it would have been a great opportunity to test myself and learn new things!

Oriflame party last night

Yesterday was a busy day for me as I prepared to host an Oriflame party. Although I will probably be the one doing the ordering if and when people decide to buy something. I had 4 guests who didn't know each other beforehand.

I made pizza (a delicious recipe from Pirkka) and a berry pie. I felt really unsure about baking but they came out alright, not in any way perfect but passable.

I felt very weak for the day but it passed, and I had fun. We tried fake lashes and got to know the products. The Oriflame representative made a good presentation about the products: I admire the way she was neutral but still focused on what people could buy.

I'm thinking about whether I could organize parties myself. I could borrow the kit from my group leader and go for it.

Letting go of Pepsi max

I'm someone who rarely becomes addicted to things, but something I'm addicted to is diet coke, pepsi max, almost any diet cola. I have been addicted since I was 16, and I remember still how in high school I used to drink so much I felt shaky. At the time it took maybe a 1,5l bottle to get that effect, nowadays I could drink a lot more without change.

So, lately I've been drinking something like 2l a day, often during the night after going to the university. Obviously sleeping, staying awake and getting up have been difficult. And a while ago I read somewhere that the artificial sweeteners in diet colas cause insulin secretion - that means that even though they might not contain any calories they will still make you fatter.

Now I'm testing being without diet colas: I'm on my 5th day. On Friday I went for a face massage at a new-agey place where they also sold "Holy basil" tea, also known as Tulsi tea. As I was waiting for my appointment I read their marketing materials and they really worked.  Buying something is again related to how I see myself: when I bought the tea I had a vivid idea of myself as someone thinner and more balanced who doesn't drink Pepsi anymore, at least not regularly.

Today I weighed myself (86,3kg) - I will see in a couple of weeks if there is any change.

Light and lamps

I'm continuing with my search of a lamp for my living room. Actually I do have light in my living room now since we managed to attach the Bene successfully yesterday with my father. But the daylight lamps from Adlux I have ordered for it might be too powerful. I sent an email to the company Innojok that produces Bene to be sure. I have 32W energy saving (I don't know the term in English yet) bulbs when they mention that the lamp can take 30W bulbs... I hope that there's some safety buffer so that the 32W will be fine.

I really dislike the color of regular bulbs nowadays - I'm really anticipating getting what I ordered from Adlux. Then I can change the color of the light both in my kitchen and in the living room (as long as it's fine with the lamp)!

I found a new interesting company, Eseo, somehow related to Philips. Initially I was attracted to their lamp Clove (at the moment on sale in Finland at kodinvalaisimet.fi) but I like Alexa as well. What bothers me about Clove is that the material is fabric. I would like a close-up image of the fabric but the quick search I made shows that most of the sellers just use the same photos.

I've been reading material about selling, since I've recently become interested in it and my mode of choice for acquiring information is by reading. A rather cynical book I'm reading (Perusmyyjästä supermyyjäksi - From a regular salesperson to a super salesperson - certainly sounds better in Finnish) says that people rarely buy because of any rational reason, but the decision is usually always made on the basis of emotion. It's only later when people come up with other reasons to justify their buy to others. Another thing the writer says is that good salespeople can connect the product with the needs of the customer, instead of just listing the features of the product. I'm wondering what needs I'm trying to satisfy with this lamp buy.

I want to be considerate - the lamp needs to not be blinding to anyone, including children who often look up a lot. I want my home to be stylish - I'm mostly looking at white lamps. I want to consider myself someone who lives in healthy light - buying only daylight bulbs.

What is behind these (imagined?) needs? I really don't know. Why do I want to live a life of quality and use so much time to think about such a simple matter? Would my life be better if I was able to just move on and take an affordable and okay lamp such as Sole? (I'm seriously considering buying it, it's "okay", but not in any way thrilling, exciting, especially beautiful..) Do I want to be someone who only rarely buys stuff but when she does gets the best thing she can in any way afford?

Buying and selling are surprisingly closely related to how we view ourselves. As a salesperson that is something one needs to take into account.

I need light in my living room

I don't know how I've managed four years without a real lamp in my living room, but now I've had enough of the darkness. I tell myself that I need a lamp for the party in a week, and went looking for some yesterday and today. I had a lamp in mind, but the design was very unaccommodating - it's a lamp that is suspended some 90cm below the ceiling. I counted that the space I have is approximately 60cm, so I couldn't get that one.

Just for interest, it was a lamp designed by Tapio Anttila made by a Finnish company Keraplast. At least Kodin1 sells them. I was ready to pay 350€ for some hundreds of grams of acrylic, but no can do. Onto the 2nd choice!

So we went with my mother to look at the other lamp I had in mind.  I don't know the designed or producer, but it was quite a simple round one. But the problem with that was that the lamp was really heavy, and it attaches to the ceiling with screws - I don't trust it to not fall and potentially cause great damage.

I want to get a lamp that has a layer of glass or acrylic beneath the bulbs so that the light doesn't blind anyone, not even children. That limits my options quite a lot. We went to Stockmann today and there were hardly any lamps that hide the bulbs. Another thing I want is for the lamp to have many bulbs since my living room is approximately 20 square meters, I need a powerful lamp.

I went for a walk with a friend today, and they had an extra lamp that fit my specifications. It's not something I would buy necessarily, but is a good match for now. It's called Bene, by Innojok. They have another even simpler lamp called Sole : I'm thinking that I'll buy that one if I don't find anything better within a reasonable time.

But I'm dreaming and browsing the web for interesting lamps. The best are way over my budget. This is my current favorite: Diamond by Morosini. Too bad that the price, 800€, is somewhat more than I'm willing or able to pay. It's amazing how much a simple piece of fabric can cost!

Oriflame excitement

Today I visited someone I know who is quite successful as an Oriflame salesperson, and it just fueled my interest. I'm holding an Oriflame party in a week, and even though I'm not the one benefiting from any sales (aside from potential gifts to the host) I'm excited about the thought of creating an atmosphere that is good for selling, and how I can help. I'm going through the "jaksoesite" (brochure for this period) thinking about which products my friends would like. I also read the materials Oriflame offers to support their salespeople, and even though there are some good points I would really like a concise but exhaustive list of all the campaigns, things to take into account etc.

I would very much like to gain the info I need to advice people on the use of the products and on how to take care of their skin. I imagine that it would be fun to match people with products. Cosmetics are something fun and light, easy to talk about and nice to promote. I would also genuinely be interested in how people liked the products, and since I'm not blindly in awe of everything Oriflame creates I think that I could be an easily approached saleswoman.

I'm making a list of things to consider and the ideas I have. I will take some time to ponder becoming an active salesperson. I would like sales experience, and I imagine that holding beauty evenings would be fun. However, I need to calculate average gains taking into account the costs of the brochures, samples and shipping, time spent and so on. But I'm enjoying dreaming at the moment.

22 / 24 !

Sain tänään tietää, että diskreettien rakenteiden tentin tulokset ovat tulleet. Kolmen tunnin harjoitusten ja luennon jälkeen kävin katsomassa listaa (piti kaivaa opiskelijakortti esille, koska en muista vielä numeroani). Sitä ennen olin jo katsonut, että paras tulos on 23 pistettä ja että joillakin on 22. Olin todella iloinen kun tajusin, että olin yksi niistä 22 pistettä saaneista. Tentti oli kyllä helppo jos oli opetellut perusasiat. Luennoitsija on selvästi kyllästynyt alhaiseen läpipääsyprosenttiin ja yrittää auttaa opiskelijoita sen minkä kykenee. Silti ilmeisesti useampi kymmenen ihmistä oli saanut 0 pistettä kahdesta ensimmäisestä tehtävästä (yksinkertainen algoritmi ja kantalukumuunnostehtävä). Ei varmasti ole kiitollinen homma opettaa tuolla kurssilla... 

Tulin kotiin, olin ihan poikki, pelasin dominionia. Sitten tajusin mennä suihkuun ja tehdä jalkakylvyn: nyt istun kirjoittamassa ja pelaamassa jalat virkistävästä voiteesta kihelmöiden. Olen illalla menossa yhden asumisjärjestelyn lopettajaisiin (lue bileisiin), sitä ennen aion vielä meikata, käydä kirjastossa ja mennä ostamaan tarjottavia. Hieman hervoton olo, pullo pepsi maxia taisi olla liikaa kun on muutenkin marraskuinen jaksamistaso. 

Modeling for a photography exhibition

Today was an exciting day since a friend of mine, a photographer, asked me to be one of his models for a series on Northern everyday fashion. I don't consider myself especially fashionable, but I think that the images will be at their strongest some 50 years from now...

This is me, distorted by the mirror. Those with some imagination can see that I'm wearing light to medium brown matte eyeshadow. Those are really drawn in eyebrows, mine are practically colorless.

It was interesting to strike poses nevertheless. I wore some makeup, including my Lumene Matte Harmony mineral powder which I'm not that pleased with. The reason was found with a little googling: it's probably best for somewhat oily skin whereas mine is quite dry. The world of cosmetics is very interesting to me, and the thought of becoming an active Oriflame representative has been on my mind a few days. I've been browsing their site and imagining recommending products to people, hearing their complaints and so on. Selling would be a good skill to have!

I have a discrete maths exercise group tomorrow and I haven't finished all the exercises. I doubt that I'm going to do it today. I did finish a short written assignment earlier, so it hasn't been an altogether useless day when it comes to my studies. We're supposed to write an innovation plan for a software company for Sunday, I'll work on that now. I'm just gathering ideas and concepts for now although I'll look for good sources as well.

Näin ihanan unen

Ihastus on lupauksen näkemistä. Kaikki mahdollisuudet eivät toteudu, mutta voi olla ihanaa myös vain kuvitella. Näin juuri unen, jossa ihastukseni oli selvästi minusta kiinnostunut. Olimme saunaillassa, ja näppäilin tunnussanaani (jonka hän jostain syystä tunsi) hänen vatsalleen. (Ilmeisesti näppiksen sai mihin tahansa.) Hän pyysi anteeksi aiempaa töykeyttään ja katseli minua lempeästi. 

Koko unesta jäi ihana mieli, ja muistan taas paremmin, miten haluan olla. Yleensä kuljen yliopistolla kädet puuskassa, jäykkänä, kasvoillani ilme jota luulen pohtivaksi mutta joka luultavasti näyttää vain kypsääntyneeltää. Minusta ei helposti saa kuvaa siitä, millainen olen rentona ja vapautuneena. 

Juuri eilen sain kuulla olevani "hurjan kaunis" kun hymyilen. Tämän haluan muistaa, ja haluan antaa itseni vain olla, rauhassa keskellä kaaosta.

The birth of a thrummed mitten

Today I had a reason to go through the yarn I have accumulated in the last few years since I went to a knitting party. I also had to come up with a new project since I haven't knitted for a while - I didn't want to be the only one without a project.

All of those boxes are filled with yarn. 

This is what I came up with in a few hours today. I'm using 52 stitches and 10 stitches for the thumb. (I'm really  just testing, hope it works out!) The mitten reminds me of boxing gloves, it is very puffy.

The inside of the mitten. 

A date and another new coat after an exam

Last week I spent thinking that I'd get ready for the exam of discrete structures on Friday, and not do much else. The result is that I didn't prepare that well, nor did I do much else. Maybe in the future I'll focus on doing a lot of other stuff before exams so that I just keep on track on the course as it's going on. Yesterday after the exam I did start to prepare for next week's "laskuharjoitus" i.e. the exercise group of discrete structures, but I still have a lot of work to do before I really understand the concepts and their applications. (It's about sets and relations this time.)

The exam itself went well, mostly because it was very easy. The teacher/professor (I'm not sure if he is one) could certainly have made it a lot more difficult had he wanted to.

I skipped a lecture on a course that I don't find that stimulating usually, and came home to do some cleaning. I ended up taking a nap since I was very tired - the thought of exams drains my energy. I did do a tiny bit of cleaning, but between putting on makeup and preparing mentally for a date it was very little.

The date went well: first we went to Halonen since they were holding a shopping evening for those with a "fashion card", and afterwards had dinner at an Indian restaurant called Indian Cuisine. This time I remembered to order "keskivahva", medium instead of mild, and I really noticed it in the taste. It was delicious but strong, and I took half of the dinner back home.

I bought a red shirt and a second class (not that I noticed anything wrong with it) coat. The coat cost only 30 euros. And my date got me a present, a small elf figure and a notebook.

Fruitflesh and how I go looking for anxiety

Recently I got two books, Fruitflesh and Pen on fire. Both are for women who want to write. I am someone who is like the writer of Fruitflesh describes: someone who lives only in the world of ideals, without a deep sense of the body. Reading the book last night made me scared. What if there is nothing I can express, or what if there is a lot I need to express but just don't know how yet? (I will always have something to fear.)

I don't consider myself someone who wants to write fiction, but for some reason I have a dream of writing. The most grandiose, ridiculous, annoying dream. I rarely write anything other than my diary, and that is mostly questions I come up with. Sometimes generalized statements about why I am anxious and what is wrong.

The whole idea of something being wrong and needing to be fixed is very different from my vision of how I would like to think, and what I see as effective. It's just something I've grown up with and feel safe with, and thus very difficult to let go of. I actually go looking for anxiety, I think. When I don't feel anxious I don't feel safe. As if thinking could save me from making mistakes. It can't, and a life without so-called mistakes would be a life without learning.

Peter Block has written about how we need to let go of the need for safety, and just strive to live a life of meaning (in the answer to how is yes). In Flawless Consulting he writes about the perspective I would very much like to live with: our need to focus on our strengths and change things with them in mind.

What is meaningful now? Right now it is very difficult to relax. I have my ways of passing the time without actually ever taking the decision to not work, not study. Playing dominion usually, often just reading things from the internet without a plan or a specific focus. Makes me think I am afraid of decisions.

A new winter jacket

I've been toying with the idea of making my own winter jacket (my old one is something like 6 years old) but a week ago I tried on a jacket on a whim in a local shop. Instantly I fell in love. However, they only carried size L and it was a bit too small for me. Promptly I searched the internet and found the jacket in XL, ordered it last Thursday evening and a week later it is here! It came from Sweden, and I had to pick it up from a local supermarket. The delivery was a reasonable 10€ so it's fine.

The jacket is the Elvine Jeanette in dark navy. Actually there are better pictures out there but since the rest of the shops didn't carry my size I don't feel like linking to any of them. The jacket is somewhat roomy in the shoulders and a good fit around the waist - the size is just fine, so the gamble of buying without trying it on paid off. I especially love the fact that the pockets are actually 2 in one: there is a pocket with a soft lining on the top that you can access from the sides (probably meant to warm your hands if you're not wearing gloves, or are freezing anyhow), and then the pocket with the flap and a snap closure for keeping stuff in.

"What to do next?"

Whenever I take a day to "study" I always encounter the same question. Today I've been doing math, and really don't feel like continuing with it, but I don't feel like doing any of the other things on my list either. Which is not a good reason to not do them, I think - usually I'm so much a perfectionist that it makes it impossible to continue with anything.

Every week we need to write a 400+ word assignment about topics related to information processing science. This week the topic is the development process of Internet Explorer 3.0 in 1996. I know what I could write about, and what I need to find out in order to be able to write, but somehow I prefer the vague anxiety of not doing to the acute anxiety of writing. However, this would be the perfect time to write and possibly finish the assignment: I have time and I don't feel like doing math.

I need to learn to do things bit by bit and to start (and continue! the starting itself isn't that difficult to me) early. I've struggled with the same issue for a long time. These last weeks I've managed to turn in a text that got the highest mark,3, in time four times in total, but I've felt somewhat anxious every time, and I really don't want to be wasting weekends feeling anxious.

If you always do the same thing you will always get the same result. Let's decide now that I'll (try to) write the assignment today. First I will read a book called Ohjelmistotuotanto and maybe Software Engineering a practitioner's approach, find a couple of quotes and analyse the process used for the development of IE with the information I've gained. That is enough. (These decisions are hard for me, to decide I've done, pondered, analysed enough and can relax.)

Courage to be exactly where you are

Last night I tried to, well, approached someone who is in some way (hard to know exactly) interesting to me. They didn't reply anything and I felt somewhat anxious and depressed about it. I will meet the person at some point - I feel a bit insecure about how I can be casual and "normal" even though I feel like his disinterest has been expressed now.

All of this calls for a bigger frame of reference. This is where I am in life. I'm "still" struggling with these issues, about how to approach people and not feel embarrassed by my interest. For me it's a long stretch to even imagine someone could be interested in me, even more so to actually do something to approach anyone. In that sense I just need to congratulate myself on taking the risk, for sacrificing the (in itself "working") fantasy to the not yet working, but possibly meaningful connection. (Peter Block has written that sometimes we have to sacrifice what works for what has meaning.)

Growth happens in spurts, at least for me, and it progresses like a spiral: again and again you meet the same issues but on a different level. I'm looking for deep connections with people, but don't yet know how to go about establishing those. I need to give myself time to learn, to experiment and make mistakes. Mistakes mean that I'm learning. (And I consider last night's "try" a mistake since the message I sent was stupid. But who cares, if he would be interested he would probably have replied no matter what I wrote. At least I know now that I can move on, even though rejection, even on such a small scale, might feel like the end of the world. Maybe it's an indication of how deeply in love I am with my fantasies.)

Yövalvomista pitkästä aikaa

Eilen ostin taas 8 litraa pepsi maxia, enkä malttanut olla juomatta melkein pullollista illalla. Niinpä sain unta vasta 2-3 aikoihin, ja olin hereillä kykenemättömänä tekemään mitään mutta toisaalta nukahtamaankaan.

Pidin kuitenkin siitä kevyestä ylikierroksilla olon tunteesta, josta sain nauttia alkuillasta, pepsilasillisten ja finrexinin siivittämänä. Olen melko herkkä kofeiinille, mutta en ole viime aikoina hirveästi juonut övereitä. Tämä oli hauska poikkeus muun elämän joukossa.

Jo aiemmin olen monta kertaa lukenut Peter Blockin kirjan the answer to how is yes. Se on kirja jota suosittelen kaikille, vaikeasti kategoroitavissa mutta tärkeitä kysymyksiä herättävä. Nyt luin saman kirjoittajan teosta konsultoinnista, Flawless consulting. Viime aikoina olen pohdiskellut sitä, onko minulla minkäänlaista asiantuntemusta. Konsulttina toimiminen varmasti sopisi minulle siinä mielessä että minulla on konsulteilta vaadittavia vahvuuksia, ja toisaalta työnkuva on minusta mielenkiintoinen. Mutta voi olla että täytyy hylätä konsulttihaaveet ainakin 10 vuodeksi kunnes ehdin kehittämään jonkunlaista järkevää asiantuntemusta.

Jotainhan sitä varmasti oppii myös olemalla vuosikausia masentunut, mutta sellaista ymmärrystä voi olla vaikea tuotteistaa ja välittää muille. Tätä olen pohtinut viikko sitten aloittamassani NaNoWriMo-nonfiction-teoksessa. Maailma ei ole kovin avoin masentuneiden kokemuksille - usein tuntuu siltä, että niinsanotusti terveet ihmiset torjuvat tiedon muiden pahasta olosta ikään kuin se sitä kautta tarttuisi. Tai ehkä se vain herättää niin vaikeita tunteita, että muut helposti kääntävät katseensa pois. On myös puutetta legitiimeistä tavoista kertoa, että päivän suurin haaste on esimerkiksi saada mentyä suihkuun. Tai kauppaan vääntäytyminen. Sängystä nousemisesta puhumattakaan.

Tämä aamu on mennyt diskreetin matematiikan kanssa työskennellessä. Katselen ihmeissäni, miten vain kokeilen erilaisia juttuja, ja saan osan oikein ja osa menee täysin pieleen. Silti on ollut melko rento ja vaivaton olo koko ajan. Predikaattilogiikka, lukujen esittäminen tietokoneessa ja numeroiden muunnokset järjestelmästä toiseen ovat asioita, joihin pitää ennen ensi viikon ensimmäistä viikkotenttiä keskittyä.

Ennen kuin aloitin vastasin myös Inner Gamen virtuaalicoachin kysymyksiin, aiheena opiskelu. En ottanut mitään helposti määriteltävää tavoitetta, vaan tajusin kirjoittaessani, että minulle tärkeintä olisi vain oppia rentoutumaan opiskelun lomassa. Niin helposti otan paineita esimerkiksi arvosanoista ja sitten olen lamaannuttanut itseni täysin kykenemättömään tilaan. Esimerkiksi ennen ensimmäistä tenttiäni (tietojärjestelmien suunnittelun perusteet) olin niin jähmettynyt etten pystynyt valmistautumaan. Onni onnettomuudessa, jotain säveltämällä sain arvosanaksi 4, mutta pienellä työllä olisi varmasti saanut viitosenkin. (Ei sillä että tuollaisella olisi väliä - nyt voisi vain olla parempi yleiskuva koko kurssista jos olisin pystynyt vaikkapa lukemaan kalvot pari kertaa läpi.)